Rancho Blasto

This is a short story I wrote for a couple friends after a trip to wineries in Santa Ynez, California.  It is written a little differently.  It is from one mans perspective leaving the reader to fill in some of the fun parts of the conversation.  Let me know if you like it.

The Shirt

A True Tale of Monsters and Adventure in Wine Country

For my friends Leslie and Rafael

Carl J. Cupp

Copyright – Christmas 2008

“My name?”

“Carl Cupp”

“What?”

“Joseph”

“My home?”

“Yes, in Orange county”

I’m screwed.  I can’t believe I panicked.  Now they think I’m crazy.  Dangerous.  This is unreal.  Like an old sci-fi movie, no one pays attention to the crazy man.  I’ve got to stay calm.  I have to convince these cops they have to do something.

“I’m sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention”.

“Can you loosen these cuffs, they hurt.”

“I told you I didn’t mean any harm.”

“I just wanted to warn them.”

“That there are monsters in the store!”

“I need some water.”

“Can I please have some water?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“It was in Santa Ynez.”

It was sunny and warm for a December morning.  The streets were kind of empty for such a nice day.  My wife Suzy, our friends Leslie and Rafael Mendez, along with Leslie’s parents Rosemary and Tony Bartolli, were going to be wine tasting that day.  We were killing time shopping before the wineries opened.

“You find my wife?

“You’ll let me know won’t you?”

“OK.  I just wish she was here that’s all.”

We went into this western shop.  I don’t recall what it was called.  Ranch something.  I went in wondering if I would see something new.  I didn’t know it at the time, but there was.  Most of the goods were the same old tourist crap, except this stuff was really overpriced.  I wondered how they stayed in business.

“You wouldn’t think a monster would be in a store like that.”

“I mean, how did it get there anyway?”

“What do you think, meteors?

“Hey, are there any holes in the roof of the store?””

“No I’m not drunk.”

“Yeah, I’ve been drinking all weekend, we were wine tasting.”

The store looked harmless.  Not like the scary places in the movies.  The aisles were packed with goods.  House frau’s were milling around.  There was even Christmas stuff out.   Santa dolls in cowboy hats, horses dressed up like reindeer, Christmas tree bulbs shaped like cowboy boots.  You don’t think about monsters when Christmas decorations are out.

The store also sold western clothing.  Something to draw the locals, I imagined.  Nothing unusual.  But, I’m sure that is why the thing was in there.  It would have out of place in a rack full of Hawaiian shirts, but in a rack full of western shirts, who would have known?

Oh god!

“Hey, you don’t think these monsters come in different styles do you?”

“The shirts man, what do you think I’m talking about.”

“You know, like a Hawaiian, or a bowling shirt or something.”

“Never mind.”

We were just moving around the store, looking.  I don’t even think Rafael was looking for a shirt.  He just found it on a rack.  I was surprised he found anything in that place.  You had to walk sideways down the aisles.  I worried I would knock something over.  I thought he was lucky to find a nice shirt, and it just happened to be exactly his size.  Like it was made for him.

I didn’t think much of it.  Sure, it was a nice shirt.  Perfect really.  Better than the chaps he was fooling around with a few minutes ago.  He had put them on over his pants to try them on.  I wondered if he really intended to wear them while riding his horse.  I was worried he would ask me how they looked on him.  Thank god, I thought, he found a shirt.

It was a western style shirt.  It looked like the kind of shirt you would wear to Roy Rogers’ funeral.  It was Black, with red and white stitching in swirled patterns over the shoulders and on the cuffs.  Suzy said it had white “piping” around the stitching, but I don’t know what that is.  The buttons were really snaps of white metal in squares turned so that the corners ran parallel with the torso and down the cuffs.

“How the fuck do I know what piping is, find my wife and ask her yourself.”

“Sorry, I’m just upset.”

“ Yeah, I liked Roy too.”

I thought the shirt was too much money, but that really didn’t matter.  I think Rafael would have paid 3 times that amount.  Once he touched it, the thing had him.  He went around to everyone in the store showing off the shirt and caressing it up and down.

“I don’t know, like he loved it or something.”

“Come on sheriff, you’ve never had a favorite shirt?”

“Are you going to get me some water?”

I was getting bored.  I have a low tolerance for shopping like this.  Slowly walking up and down the aisles, just looking for something to buy.  But Suzy was enjoying herself, and that’s what’s important.  She really worked hard on our daughters wedding a month earlier, so she deserves this.  I just hoped she wouldn’t spend too much.

“You ever have a daughter get married?”

“Well, don’t wait, kill yourself now.”

“Of course I love my wife sheriff.  I don’t want anything to hurt her.”

“We’ve been married, oh, 32 years now.”

“Thanks.”

“No she doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m crazy, that I am dreaming it all.”

“Did you guys find her yet?”

“Good.”

Hurry Babe

While everyone was occupied with Rafael and his shirt, I decided to slip out the door, find a seat, and enjoy some of the morning.  I sat down on a bench just outside the store.  I was facing a feed store and a restaurant across the street.  We had dinner there the night before.  I was soaking up the sun, and I wondered if I should light up a cigar this early in the morning.

“Don’t suppose I could have a cigar?”

“I have some in my truck.”

“Didn’t think so.”

Looking around, there were only three people I could see.  One was an old dude on the corner, a younger guy sitting on the tailgate of his pickup, and another guy standing opposite of me across the street.  At the time, I thought they were just waiting for people like I was.  I remember all of them were looking at me.

“No, I didn’t notice what they were wearing.”

“I don’t know, maybe they were waiting for their wives.”

“Yeah, just like me.”

“Still, it was weird.”

The shopping lasted another hour I think.  Can’t just go into one store.   Only a tourist town has two stores next to each other selling the same stuff.  So as my friends came out of the first store they carried me along into the second.  There was something real funny about the second store as well.  I think Tony felt it too.  I tried not to let it play on my mind.

“I don’t know, ask him yourself.”

“Just a feeling, that’s all.”

“I said I don’t know.  Jeez”

We were finally off to the wineries.  We were all looking forward to having a good time.  I was driving and we were talking about everything from wine to politics.  Suzy and I really enjoy these trips with Leslie and her family.  If only I knew about the shirt, and what it was, I would have driven my truck into a tree.

“No, I don’t want to kill anyone.”

“Or suicide.”

“It’s an expression.”

We visited 4 or 5 wineries that day.  We had a great time and the day was winding down.  We had planned on a big night.  Dinner at an Italian joint, then we were going to a honky-tonk called the Maverick for drinks, music, and dancing.   Everyone was excited, and little drunk.  We headed back to our apartment to get dressed.  That’s when it started getting weird.

“No, we rented it for the weekend.”

“In town.”

“I don’t know the owners name. You have to ask Leslie.”

“His wife’s ugly, and they have rabbits.”

“I don’t know, maybe they eat them.  They got fucking rabbits that’s all!”

“Look, I’m scared and you guys don’t believe me.”

“I’ll calm down.”

“Not with us, no.  Leslie’s parents were staying at some fancy hotel in town.”

“Yeah I thin that’s the place, real nice.”

“Can I get some water or not?”

The apartment Leslie rented for the weekend was a 2-bedroom place we were going to share.  It was over a garage, and right next to the owner’s home.  The stairs we used to get to the apartment were outside and steeper than they should have been.  The kitchen was connected to the living room and had everything you might need to cook with.   There was only one bathroom, a crazy 3-speed fake fireplace heater, and as I would come to really appreciate, a washer and dryer.

We began getting ready for our evening.  While each couple had a bedroom they were a bit small so we all drifted out into the living room to finish dressing.  We needed a little bit more room to put on your shoes and socks.  I think we just liked to be with one another.  The ladies were finishing their make up and primping their hair.  We were all talking about the day we had.  It is nice with people you like.

Suzy and Leslie looked good, as they always do.  I was in my new red shirt and boots, and then Rafael came out of his bedroom putting on the shirt.  He had a huge smile and was strutting around asking all of us how he looked in his new shirt.

“Of course he had pants on.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Is someone going to get me some water?”

“How about taking these cuffs off.”

Jerk

I thought Rafael was drunk.  He and I had switched to bourbon by now and both of us were feeling fine.  It was not so strange that he was acting up.  What was kind of weird was the way he was running his hands all over the shirt.  He really liked that shirt.

“A Diet Coke?”

“Don’t you have a bottle of water?”

“I don’t drink that shit.”

“Sorry.”

“Just plain water.”

“OK.”

I started joking about the way he was acting.  Playing along, and playing into the plans of the shirt.  All of us were now laughing, and teasing him about his new shirt.  Like watching a man possessed.  The scene began to get unreal.

Rafael was helplessly moving around the apartment in a suggestive dance, rubbing his hands up and down his body, chanting, “Look a me!  Look at me and my new shirt!”  This only made us laugh louder, as we encouraged him further.  We didn’t know it, but all of this was out of his control.  The shirt was taking over.

Leslie still had some control over him.  Later on, we would count on this power.  She told him to finish getting ready, that we had to meet her parents for dinner and we didn’t want to be late.   While Rafael put his boots on, I poured him another bourbon.  I poured myself a double.

“I drove, yes.”

“At least I had my seat belt on.”

“I’m not being funny.”

Dinner was in an Italian restaurant with a name I can’t recall.  It started with  “G” or something.  Not a big place, kind of western looking.  It was one big room with a bar that took up almost half the room.  The place had a wood floor and an enclosed porch with tables outside.  We were shown to a table in the main room right in front of the door.  So Suzy was cold all through dinner.  The place was also loud.  I couldn’t hear anyone very well, but the food was good.

“Yeah, that’s the name of the place.”

“Funny, the place is run by about fifty Mexicans in blue shirts.”

“I had the squid.  Why?”

“OK, calamari, and yes it was good.”

“No it wasn’t a special it was on the menu.”

“Why do you want to know this, are you a food critic or something?”

Homo

After dinner we said goodnight to Rosemary and Tony.  They were going to head back to their hotel and skip the next phase of the evening.  Maybe they were going to bed, I don’t know.  Maybe they knew something else and didn’t want to be around when it happened.  Tony had looked concerned in the last store this morning.  Maybe he had the same uneasy feeling I did.

“A Mercedes.”

“I don’t know, a 550 I think”

“White”

“I called it the Bat mobile”

“I know the bat mobile is black.”

“Because of the way it looked!”

“I know it’s not white, but I called it that anyway.”

“What’s your problem anyway?”

Asshole

The Maverick bar was right next to the Italian restaurant.  As we entered, I was surprised when someone stopped us on the way in.  Seems there was a $5.00 cover charge to get in.  After paying him, we all wondered if this was an employee, or just some drunk getting some money from us.  We never found out.

The place was a dump.  Looked like we over paid to get in.  It was divided into two really big rooms.  You entered into the bar, made a right turn, and then had to step down into the dance room.  As we entered the bar, there were a few cowboy types standing around looking bored and lonely.  We walked pass them down into the dance room, and made our way to a table near the stage and sat down.  The band was on a break, so Raphael went to get us some drinks.

“The Crown Royal T’s, I think.”

“Country mostly.”

“Well, we liked them.  Rafael even put his name on their e-mail list.”

“I don’t know why.  Maybe because he was under the control of an alien monster, why else.”

“The shirt!  I keep telling you!”

“Sheriff, I’m telling you the truth.”

“Yeah, I’m real funny.”

Why won’t he believe me?

The band came out and started up.  Not too bad I thought.  They were a 4-piece band with the lead singer playing an electric piano.  A tall skinny guy with a Billy goat beard wearing a straw hat painted gloss black.  He could play and sing but wasn’t much to look at.  The stage was low and cluttered like my garage.  My broke down ATV wouldn’t have looked out of place up there.

There were no people on the dance floor.  Only an older couple who seemed to know the western dance steps.  That didn’t stop Rafael.  He grabbed Leslie and out they went.  Suzy and I followed them.  At first, we all just danced normally.  There was nothing unusual about it.   As more people showed up, Rafael’s dancing became more excited and then did become unusual.

“Unusual, yes.”

“He’s not Fred Astair.”

“I don’t know, wild-like, you know, possessed.”

“I think it was the shirt.”

“It was leading him around the dance floor.  Leslie seemed to be along for the ride.”

“Why are you letting your him be a smart ass?”

“He’s your deputy, tell him to stop.”

“Hey!  Back off mother fucker!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why can’t I get a something to drink?”

Assholes

We had been there for about and hour and the place finally started to fill up.  Funny, it was mostly women.  Young girls, in the early 20’s, more grunge looking than cowgirl, they were all dancing with each other.  There were no men at all.  I think this emboldened the shirt.

I believe the shirt had a plan.  A plan that would make Leslie leave the dance floor.  The shirt needed her to sit down, so it could be free to do as wanted with Rafael.  She wouldn’t move as fast as the shirt wanted to.  She would only slow the shirt down.  It started by making Raphael do something stupid. The shirt had him start doing the Texas two-step.  It was horrible.  She walked back to the table laughing and sat down.

“I think it wanted her out of the way.”

“Leslie still had too much control over Rafael.”

“He listens to her.  He loves her.”

“No, she’s not like that. You don’t know her.”

Creep

Clearly, Rafael was not responsible for his actions.  The shirt had almost full control by now.  It had moved on from the two-step.  Now it was forcing Rafael to dance wildly.  Returning to the table only to consume gin and tonic.  Leslie, Suzy, and myself watched it force Rafael to drink more and more of those vile concoctions.  And in an effort to control the band from taking breaks, the shirt was trying to get them drunk by giving them tequila shots.

It was his eyes that convinced me.  Rafael had come back from the dance floor for another drink and I noticed his eyes were weird.  By now, only one eye was open all the way, but I could clearly see.  Both of his eyes were racing rapidly back and forth.

“That’s what I said, his eyes were weird.”

“They were going back and forth like in REM sleep.”

“You’ve never heard of that?”

Dip Shit

Rafael’s dancing had now become more exaggerated.  He was bouncing around the dance floor like a mad man.  His head was raised looking at the ceiling with his arms and legs spread wide, stomping his feet.   Like Donkey Kong in a western shirt.  This new dance was in a wide circular motion moving through the people on the dance floor.  The shirt was almost completely open by now exposing his hairless chest.

“Yeah, pretty wild.  He went around the floor three of four times.  We were all laughing.”

“We didn’t know how dangerous it was.”

“Can I get that drink of water?”

The dance floor was full of girls with Raphael moving in and out of the crowd.  All their feet were like so many ants.  Sooner or later one would get stomped on, and it didn’t take long.  It was a small girl with dark hair, wearing green pants and leopard skin pumps.  She was engaged in some rather hot girl-on-girl dancing with a blonde chick.  She was not watching out for danger.

As the shirt had Rafael moving through the girls in the now familiar circular stomping pattern, he was headed right for her.  I saw it coming but could not yell out in time.  Anyway, it was so loud I wouldn’t of been heard.  Rafael stepped right on top of her foot.  She slumped forward into the arms of her girl friend as Rafael continued on.  Her friends had to help her back to the table.

“No, I think the shirt did it to her for not paying attention to it dance.”

“Rafael would never do that on purpose.”

“Yeah, they were both pretty hot.”

“You know, up and down on each other right in the middle of the floor.”

“Look, you need to believe me.  You have to do something.”

“The dark haired chick?  No, she wasn’t hurt that bad.  She was out on the floor dancing again for the next song.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“The shirt was making him do things.”

“I think there may be more of them.”

“Look, this is serious.”

“Where is my water?”

Things started to get really weird.  There was a tall girl on the dance floor that had noticed the shirt.  She was the only one not getting out of Rafael’s way during his circular maneuvering.  She wanted to dance!  She wore a gray sweater and jeans that were tucked into knee high brown leather boots.  She got in front of the shirt and started to move.  Now the shirt was ready to dance like never before.

“I don’t know, seven feet tall maybe.”

“I not full of shit, this chick was really tall.”

“I mean like gland trouble tall.”

“Raphael only came up to her arm pits.”

“Yeah, medium size rack, nice.”

The shirt and the tall chick went into a bizarre new dance the likes of which I had never seen before.  The tall chick stayed in one spot as Rafael was moving in circles around her.  Stomping and waving his arms around to a rhythmic base line from the band.  The others on the dance floor began to move away, giving them all the room it needed.

As he was moving in circles around her, the shirt began making motions with Raphael’s hands in her direction.  He would start at her feet, and acted like he was picking up a hand full of her, then moving his hands up to the ceiling, hold them there a moment, then quickly bring the imaginary bundle to his face.  He acted as if he was consuming her spirit.  The scene reminded me of Montezuma eating the beating heart of a sacrifice.

“No, I’m not kidding.”

“At first I thought it was funny.”

“Maybe the shirt was trying to eat her soul!”

“Your deputy just has to be a smart ass doesn’t he.”

“Sorry.”

“You have to believe me.  People are in danger.”

After seeing this, I was laughing to myself.  I looked toward Suzy and Leslie.  I thought they would be laughing like I was.  Instead, their faces told a different story.  They were staring, eyes wide, at the shirt and tall chick.  Their mouths hanging slightly open.  The look was what you would expect to see on the faces of people who were watching a flaming airplane falling out of the sky.  I actually began to worry for the shirt, and for Rafael.

This scene was about to change quickly.  There could be blood.  My mind raced.  I looked back toward the dance floor hoping to see the tall chick walking away.  It was worse.  She was now in a very suggestive position, leaning back like a sexy tri-pod, her right hand on the floor, her left outstretched for balance.  Her legs spread slightly with bent knees, and her butt just off the floor.  She was moving with the rhythm of the music as Rafael continued the strange feast.

Oh my god!

I looked back toward the Leslie and Suzy.  Yep, Rafael is a dead man.  He just didn’t know it.  The two ladies had completely different expressions on their faces.  It made me shiver.  Their mouths were closed now, tight.  Their eyes were darkened slits under furrowed brows.  They were both fixed on the scene before them.  Their arms folded and hands clenched.

Run man!

I was frozen in my seat.  If I made the wrong move this oncoming freight train could hit me too.  I watched Leslie rise slowly from her seat and start to move toward the dance floor.  Suzy had switched her gaze toward me.    She didn’t need to say a word.  I knew what she wanted.  I stayed in my seat like a coward.

It won’t be long now

Leslie moved deliberately toward the strange ritual on the floor in front of her.  She was about half way there when Rafael and the tall chick saw her.  They both froze.  They were both like a still picture.  She was low to the floor, with him over her, his arms outstretched. Both their heads were turned toward the oncoming train.  Only their eyes seemed to move, following Leslie as she made the last few steps toward them.

Oh no

This is the moment Leslie demonstrated her power.  As Rafael began to straighten up and smile, she reached out, took him by the shirt, turned and led him back to the table.  The shirt made no resistance.  After watching Leslie lead Rafael back to the table I turned my head back to the dance floor.  The tall chick was gone.

Smart girl

Leslie and Rafael sat down across from Suzy and I.  No words needed to be spoken.  He was in deep shit.  He was clearly sorry and seemed to calm down.  Maybe the shirt had given up.  Not a chance.  It was only playing possum.

“No it wasn’t over.”

“You’re a funny guy.  I’m sure he still has his balls.”

“Why are you letting him talk to me like that?”

“Make him stop.  I’m trying to warn you guys.”

“Will you go and get me some water!”

“Sorry sheriff, your deputy is getting on my nerves.”

“I just want you to listen, and to do something.”

Fool!

The band was winding down the last song and we were certainly done dancing.  We decided to go back to the apartment.  We headed out the door and into the parking lot.  Before I got to the truck I heard Leslie say, “where is Rafael?”  I turned around to see her heading back for the door.  I stopped her and offered to go and get him.  I suggested he had gone to the restroom or something.  She wasn’t buying any of my crap.  Suzy was giving me a look.

“Yeah, I was worried.  I didn’t want the women mad at me.”

“Hey, fuck you man!”

“I still got ‘em, you want to feel them!”

“Get him out of here will you!”

“I’ll be quiet.”

Asshole

Rafael had stopped to use the restroom and was out the door before I was up the steps.  We turn and walked together toward the truck.  I asked how he was feeling.  He said OK.  He then told me how much he cared for Suzy and me.  Gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.  I hoped no one saw.

“Fuck you asshole!”

“He’s my friend.”

“Look sheriff, he ain’t helping.  You want me to finish or not.”

“Listen to your boss.”

“OK.”

Asshole

When it comes to monsters this one broke all the rules.  Stupid monsters usually just eat brains, or take over your body.  We can understand that.  We can fight back.  This was a smart monster; this one is a narcissist.   Smart, cunning, and understated.  It wants no harm to come to the host.  It just wants to have fun.  It is evil in that it doesn’t care what happens to those around the infected person.

“No, I don’t do drugs.”

“Take my blood and check.”

“Your deputy can have a stool sample.”

“Hey.  Get him away from me!”

“Ha!  Don’t like it do you Barney.”

“I’ll be nice if he will.”

“OK.  I won’t call him Barney anymore.”

“Why can’t I get some water.”

“Have someone else get it please.”

Jerks

We got back to the apartment at around midnight.  I was tired.  I thought things were going to calm down.  The shirt had other plans.  Rafael went into the kitchen and started to pour another drink.  The shirt was about to make its move.  He asked Suzy to turn on some music.

Suzy went to the iPod and turned on some George Jones.  Good I thought.  Nothing like a sad country song to slow things down.  Rafael complained that the music was too slow.  He suggested we liven things up and keep the party going.

Here it comes

Rafael started dancing again.  I went for the bourbon.  Leslie went up to him and suggested they go to bed.  She explained that they had had a long day and that tomorrow we had to pack and get ready to go home.  I think that is when she noticed his eyes.  She then did something brave.  She reached out and started to remove the shirt.  I took a long drink.

The woman has guts

Leslie was smiling.  I suppose it was to try and keep the shirt off guard.  It looked like it was going to work.  She asked Suzy to help her.  They were both standing in front of him undoing his cuffs while he was dancing in place.

Maybe this was going to work!

The shirt started fighting back.  The women were having trouble getting the shirt off.  Rafael was starting to scream as Leslie was struggling with a sleeve.  Both of the girls looked toward me as if to ask for some help.  I then got a hold of him trying to restrain him.  Suzy started pulling at a sleeve.  Leslie began to tell him how handsome he looked in his new shirt.  I think I saw him smile.

“I don’t know.   The shirt liked it.  It seems to thrive on compliments.”

“No, Leslie wasn’t laughing.”

“I think she was starting to understand this shirt was evil and that she had to get it off him.”

“There he goes again sheriff!”

“No smart ass, she not, but she does wear glasses.”

“Why do you guys have a problem with this?”

Assholes

Rafael relaxed enough that they could get the shirt off.  He then went limp, fell to the floor, and immediately began to snore.  Leslie and Suzy made some remark about men and sex, but I was too busy to answer.   I knew what I had to do.  I grabbed the shirt from them and ran for the washing machine.

“I think they were trying to be funny.”

“I was serious.  I don’t know why they said it.”

“Yeah, like on Married with Children.”

“Me too, Al’s great.”

“I’m getting to it, let me finish.”

It had come to me in a flash.  Suzy had always kept me away from the laundry.  Especially hers.  Now my lack of laundry skills would come in handy.  I had to kill the shirt, and I knew how.  I would clean it!

“I told you I thought it was alive.”

“How else do you kill a monster shirt smart guy?”

“Well, he asked a stupid question.”

The shirt wouldn’t go easy.  It tried to fight back.  Its strength surprised me.  I was struggling with it, trying to get it into the washer. Then as I pushed it in, it wrapped itself around my arm and began to squeeze.  The shirt was strong and had a will to live.  I fought back by pulling at it.  I could hear the stitching on one sleeve popping.  I hope it hurt.

“You know, like it didn’t want to die.”

“Look sheriff, I’m tired of that guy laughing!”

“Fuck you Barney!  Take these cuffs off and we’ll see!”

“Ouch! Put me down!”

“Asshole!”

“OK, I’ll calm down, but tell that guy to shut up.”

“I need a drink damn it!”

I reached for the dial on the washer and selected a deadly combination of heavy load and hot water.  I used this once on Suzy’s sweaters.  This was going to be ugly.  I turned the dial, and as the hot water hit the shirt, I douse it with soap.  It crumpled up and disappeared under a cloud of suds.  The scene reminded me of an old movie.

“I’m melting!”

“You know, from the Wizard of OZ.”

“What?  Wicked?”

“No, but my wife read the book and saw the play.”

“I’ll wait ‘till she drags me to the movie.”

“No I haven’t heard the CD.”

“Sheriff, do you want me to finish?”

Fag

The shirt came out of the spin cycle lifeless and damaged beyond repair.  The shirt was damp and wrinkled and smelled of soap.  The collar was grossly out of shape.  The stitching was puckered, the piping was loose, and the color had faded to a dark gray.  I bet it wouldn’t even fit anymore.  It was dead.

“What the hell is this?”

“I wanted water.”

“It doesn’t look like water.”

“What the fuck are Electrolytes?”

“I don’t care what the shit does.”

“I am not exactly worried about my blood chemistry right now.”

“What, are you my wife now?”

“I’ll be fine, just let me have a drink.”

“Can’t you take these cuffs off so I can drink it?”

“Fine, then put the straw in it so I can drink.”

“Then don’t spill it on me.”

“Ugh!  You drink this stuff?  What flavor is that?”

“No way.”

“Tastes like shit.”

The next morning, I got up early and found Rafael sitting on the sofa holding the remains of the shirt.  It was still damp.  I had forgot to put it in the dryer.  Leslie was sitting next to him, holding a glass of champagne, smiling and talking with Suzy.  She had one arm around him giving him a hug.  He looked like shit.  I would swear he had been crying.

“Well what did you expect?  It was over.”

“We fought the monster and won.”

“I guess he was crying because it was a nice shirt.”

Suzy was in the kitchen , she had just finished making coffee.  It smelled good.  As I went for a cup, I put my hand on her ass and gave her a kiss.  We had been through a lot last night.  We were going home today and we had to pack.  The kids were coming for dinner, and we wanted to beat traffic.  We could be home by 3:00 PM if we got moving.

I wondered who would be the first to bring it up.  It didn’t take long.  Leslie spoke up first.  She began teasing Rafael about the shirt.  Sometimes humor makes it easy to discuss a difficult issue.  I know she was worried about him.

“You know, joking about the dancing and the shirt.”

“We were all laughing about it.”

I think at first, as a way to distract him from the loss of the shirt, she began speaking about the stores we have visited yesterday.  She began to talk about a coat she saw in the second store.  Some kind of fur lined thing.  Then she told us the price.  It was $3500.00!  I was shocked.  I couldn’t imagine a coat costing that much.  I was getting that bad feeling again.

“I know, it’s a lot of money for a coat.”

“That’s not what was worrying me.”

“No, it was brown with some fur on the collar.”

“Come on, don’t you get it?”

“You would have to be fucking crazy to pay that much for a coat.  I mean what’ is it made of, cocaine and lobster?”

“If she buys the coat, don’t tell her I said that.”

“Thanks.”

This dude will rat me out in a second

Leslie started talking about the coat in detail.  How it looked, how it felt, and where she found it.  The materials, the color, the buttons, and how well it fit.  She really loved it.

Oh my God!

The coat in the other store!  That’s what Tony and I must have been uneasy about.  It has to be another one.  Another monster!  This one must be more dangerous.  At what they wanted for it, it had to be a queen or something.  I was getting worried.  Then a bombshell hit.  Suzy started talking about a belt, a hat, and a sweater in the same store!  It must be a nest!  I had to get back there.  I had to save them.

“Yeah a nest.”

“He’s starting again sheriff.”

“No I didn’t.  You ever try and stop a women from shopping?”

“I figured they were falling under a spell or something.  It was too late.”

He doesn’t get it

“I was there about 10 minutes before your deputy got there.”

“Look, I’m just worried about this spreading.  I’ll pay for the damage.”

“Sheriff, aren’t you going to do anything about this?”

Morons

“What’s going on?”

“Sheriff, what’s he talking about?”

“She is?”

Suzy!

“OK, I’m listening.”

“She made bail?  Great.”

Saved

“Look man, I don’t want any trouble.  Never did.”

“You have my word.  Straight home,”

“Promise.”

And not looking back!

“How about these cuffs deputy?”

“Thanks, they were really beginning to hurt.”

“I’m sorry for calling you Barney, and thanks for the drink.”

“Here, you can pour the rest of this shit down the drain.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Asshole

“Which way?  I’ll follow you.”

“Sign here?  Yes, those are my keys.”

“She’s outside?”

Thank God!

“Hi babe.  I’m glad to be out of there.”

“I’m fine.  Don’t worry about me.  They won’t file charges if I promise to stay away from the store.”

“I just freaked out.  I’m sorry babe.”

Uh, oh

“Leslie, you got the coat.  Nice.  I like the fur.”

“Oh yeah, worth every penny.”

Oh shit!

“Quick Suzy, where’s Rafael?”

“At the bank?”

Bet I know why

“Suzy, we’ve got to get out of here.  Ready to go home?”

“Why not?”

“What?”

“How much?”

I need a drink

I hope you enjoyed the story.

Merry Christmas 2008